Big Decisions and Changes

Recently I was faced with a big decision, a hard decision, a big-girl-real-life decision. 

See I've always been very career driven.  Before Beckett I would log 60+ hours a week at work and even when I wasn't working I was reading or researching or something relating to work.  I worked hard...really hard to get to where I was...and when I found out I was pregnant in 2010 I thought no big deal I can do this.  I am a women who can do it all - babies, housework, career, etc.  

Even shortly after Beckett arrived, I was still optimistic that I could still do it all.  In fact I can remember the day after I delivered him while I still in the hospital I was on my computer and working on a monthly report.  Crazy?  Maybe, but at the time work was a sense of "normalcy" to the crazy world my life had become overnight.  Still with the prolonged hospital stay my thought was "okay we just need to get to this milestone (Beckett's due date, get Beckett off the vent, the next bronch) and then life will become more normal".

After 10-months of this balancing act I was tired.  I was spread thin...with Ryan traveling Monday thru Thursday I felt like a single Mom.  But not just a single Mom, a single Mom to a baby with lots of extra needs.  Therapy sessions, doctors appointments and the stress of knowing at any moment Beckett could become critical due to the state of his airway.  At night I would pray that Beckett wouldn't pull his trach out or that it wouldn't plug and if it did, I prayed I would hear his alarms and be able to save him.  And every morning, I prayed for God to give me the strength to get through one more day.  I was living day-by-day, at times minute-by-minute.  It was all I could do. 

Ryan and I discussed me leaving my job a couple of times, but again I was hanging on.  I really liked...no loved my job.  Yeah there was a lot of stress and BS, but that's every job.  I enjoyed what I was doing, but more than that I had the best team.  A team of co-workers and management who had not only seen me through everything, but also supported me.  They gave me the sense or normalcy or maybe a good distraction for 9-10hrs a day.

But another 10-months down the road of trying to be super Mom and career women had taken a toll on my personal happiness, my marriage, Beckett's development...pretty much all the things which were my everything.  Outside of work I was mean, disgruntled and short tempered.  I was so exhausted I only had the energy to deal with work peoples BS and patience for Beckett...anything outside of that forget about it.  Ryan and I's relationship became strained.  Instead of giving him credit for working hard for our family and all he did I became focused on all his faults and what he wasn't doing.  Every week was the same conversation and the same argument.  And in August 2012 when the speech therapist came to evaluate Beckett he scored on the 3-6 month level...Beckett was 18-months old.  Things were clearly falling apart...not so much at work, but at home.

In October when Beckett had his LTR surgery I took FMLA time and really disconnected for work...for the first time since Beckett arrived.  I had taken leave time when he was finally discharged from Children's Mercy in June 2011, but I still worked part time so never really got a break.  This time I totally checked out.  My focus was solely Beckett and myself.  His surgery, recovery and development.  My personal healing from the mess of the previous 22 months.  By the end of my leave his surgery was declared a success and in a recent assessment by speech he tested out at 18-21-months  (he's now 24-months).  And ultimately I realized I could not continue at the pace I was.  Sometime was going to break...either I was going to go loco, Ryan and I's relationship would completely crumble or Beckett would get to Kindergarten and be too far behind to start...or maybe all three. 

And so I made the decision to leave my job.  I am sure some people are reading this and think I am crazy to see this as a "hard decision".  They would love to leave their job if they were able.  Don't get me wrong I am very excited and blessed to be able to do this.  Ryan is working his fingers to the bone to provide for us and to allow me this opportunity.  The "hard" part for me is letting go.  I was raised to NEVER give up and in a sense I feel like I am giving up, like I can't do it all anymore...and for me that's hard to swallow.

The plan was that I would stay on until April to train my backfill and allow a team member who is on leave to return.  However, much to my surprise shortly after my resignation I was offered a part-time position with my company which I accepted.  I am SO incredibly blessed to have this opportunity, not only to continue to contribute at work, but to better balance my life and meet the needs of my little lovie!!!  So I will remain in my currently role until April at which point I will switch over to a part time role.  Big changes are a coming, but very exciting and positive changes for sure!